By Counseling Psychologist Dr. Ru-Chi Yang 楊如琪
To learn more or book an appointment with Dr. Ru-Chi Yang 楊如琪, please click here.
You’re running late for school, and your 6-year-old refuses to put on their shoes. The tension rises. You threaten to take away screen time, they dig in their heels—and the power struggle escalates. But what if, instead of demanding compliance, you reflected your child’s feelings by saying “I understand that you are upset about not being able to wear your favorite shoes today,” and calmly offered: “You can choose to wear your sneakers or your sandals today. Which one do you choose?” Suddenly, the focus shifts. Your child makes a decision, slips on their chosen pair, and you’re both out the door—drama-free.
This is the essence of the choice-giving parenting approach: offering children and adolescents age and developmentally appropriate choices within clear boundaries set by the parent or caregiver. This strategy empowers them by giving them a say in their lives, encouraging them to practice decision-making, regulate their behavior, and build confidence in their own abilities. When children feel a sense of control, they are more likely to cooperate. Rather than relying on external pressure to behave, they begin to draw on their internal resources—learning from mistakes, weighing consequences, and taking responsibility for their actions.
How Do Choices Help Children Grow?
Giving children and adolescents choices provides valuable opportunities for decision-making and problem-solving. Through regular practice with making choices, they learn to take responsibility for their actions and begin to see themselves as competent and capable individuals. Choice giving also facilitates the development of a child’s conscience, as it allows them to learn from their mistakes in a supportive environment. Over time, they gain the ability to weigh their decisions thoughtfully, considering potential consequences before acting.
Can Choices Strengthen the Parent–Child Relationship?
Providing children and adolescents with choices reduces power struggles between parent and child and, ultimately, helps preserve the parent–child relationship. Both the parent and child are empowered in this dynamic: the parent or caregiver sets the parameters for the available choices, while the child is responsible for making a decision within those boundaries. The choice-giving parenting approach fosters mutual respect, cooperation, and a stronger sense of connection.
How to Offer Empowering Choices to Children Without Manipulation
When offering choices to children and adolescents, it’s essential that the options are age-appropriate and genuinely acceptable to both the child and the parent or caregiver. This means the parent must be willing to live with whatever decision the child makes. If a choice is presented, it should never be used as a form of manipulation—such as giving one option you prefer and another you know the child dislikes—because this undermines trust and the true purpose of empowering the child.
The scope of choices should also match the child’s developmental level. Younger children benefit from small, simple choices, while older children and adolescents can handle more significant decisions. For example, a 3-year-old is typically capable of choosing between two straightforward options, like picking between two shirts or two snacks. Asking, “Sarah, do you want to wear your purple dress or your pink dress to school?” or “Sarah, do you want an apple or an orange with your lunch?” gives her a sense of control without overwhelming her with too many options.
As children grow, the complexity and importance of choices can increase accordingly, helping them build confidence and decision-making skills in line with their maturity. By thoughtfully tailoring choices to the child’s age and interests, parents create opportunities for empowerment while maintaining clear boundaries and structure.
Offering Empowering Choices Within Boundaries
While children and adolescents need parental guidance and discipline, parents or caregivers can still offer them a measure of control by providing choices—even when certain decisions are non-negotiable due to maturity or safety concerns. This approach balances structure with empowerment, allowing children to feel involved while understanding clear limits.
It’s important for parents to stay connected and sensitive to their child’s emotional state when setting boundaries or offering choices. Remember the Rule of Thumb: “When a child is drowning, don’t try to teach her to swim.” When children are distressed or overwhelmed, they may struggle to process choices or consequences. In these moments, parents should first focus on connecting and calming their child—reflecting their feelings in a soothing tone—before presenting choices or postponing the conversation until later.
Real-Life Examples of Giving Choices in Non-Negotiable Situations
Example 1:
Six-year-old William refuses to take his medicine. Since taking the medicine isn’t optional, the parent offers him some control by saying, “William, would you like to have apple juice or orange juice with your medicine? Which do you choose?” This way, William feels involved even though the medicine itself is non-negotiable.
Example 2:
Ten-year-old Sam wants to play video games before bedtime, but the parents know this will affect his sleep. Instead of outright saying no, they offer a choice: “Sam, would you rather play cards with me or read a book in your room before bed? Which one do you choose?” This approach respects Sam’s preferences while maintaining the bedtime routine.
How Can Giving Children Choices Help Prevent Power Struggles and Problem Behaviors?
Choice giving can be a proactive tool to prevent potential problems before they arise. The key is that the options offered must be equally acceptable to both the parent or caregiver and the child or adolescent. By planning choices in advance, parents can reduce conflict around behaviors the child has previously struggled with.
For example, if Elizabeth often resists getting dressed in the morning, her parent can offer her the choice of what to wear the evening before. By involving Elizabeth in this decision ahead of time, the parent avoids a morning power struggle. Once Elizabeth has chosen her outfit, the parent prepares it and sets it out, making mornings smoother for everyone.
When children and adolescents are given the responsibility to make choices, they are more likely to accept and follow through with their decisions. However, to effectively prevent problems, parents and caregivers need to understand the underlying challenges their child faces and plan accordingly.
Consider the case of a child who consistently comes home hungry and reaches for sweets, while the parent wants them to eat healthier snacks. Planning ahead by stocking at least two healthy snacks the child enjoys provides a helpful alternative. Instead of saying no to sweets outright, the parent might say: “Anna, I bought grapes and strawberries for a snack; which would you like?” This gives Anna a sense of control while steering her toward healthier options.
Similarly, if a 9-year-old tends to go straight to the couch to watch TV after school, parents can prepare by brainstorming alternative activities in advance. When the child arrives home, the parent can offer a choice: “Bella, I thought of some things we can do this afternoon before dinner. Do you want to go outside and play catch or help bake a cake for dessert tonight?” This approach respects Bella’s preferences while guiding her toward engaging, positive activities.
By anticipating challenges and offering thoughtful choices ahead of time, parents and caregivers can reduce power struggles and encourage cooperation, all while fostering a child’s sense of responsibility and autonomy.
How to Use Choices to Help Kids Comply with Household Rules
Choice giving is an effective way to enforce household policies and rules. To start, parents or caregivers can focus on one rule at a time. They can present two options: one framed positively, showing the benefit of following the rule, and the other outlining a consequence for not complying—usually something the child would prefer to avoid (for example, losing access to a favorite TV show). It’s important that any consequence for noncompliance is logical, relevant, and enforceable, rather than simply punitive.
Example: The Toy Room Showdown: How Choice Giving Saves the Day
A household rule has been established that toys in the toy room must be picked up before dinner. The children often forget this without repeated reminders, leading to frustration and power struggles for the parent.
The parent can say to the children:
“We are about to institute a new and significant policy within the confines of this domicile.” (Big words get children’s attention!)
Then explain the choice clearly:
“When you choose to pick up your toys before dinner, you choose to watch 30 minutes of television after dinner. When you choose not to pick up your toys before dinner, you choose not to watch television after dinner.”
On the second night, 15 minutes before dinner, the parent says:
“James and Henry, dinner will be ready in 15 minutes; it’s time to pick up your toys.”
The parent then leaves the room.
At dinner time, the parent checks the toy room. If the toys have not been picked up, the parent says nothing during dinner. After dinner, the parent goes back to the toy room and says:
“Looks like you decided not to watch television tonight.”
Even if the children then start picking up toys, the parent calmly explains:
“You’re thinking that if you pick your toys up now, you can watch TV, but the policy is that toys have to be put away before dinner.”
If the children plead for another chance, the parent calmly and empathically responds:
“I know that you wish you would have chosen to put your toys away before dinner, so you could choose to watch TV now. Tomorrow night, you can choose to put your toys away before dinner and watch TV.”
If the children do pick up their toys before dinner, the parent says:
“It’s time for dinner. Looks like you’ve chosen to watch TV after dinner tonight.”
Staying Calm, Consistent, and Connected During Choice Giving
When enforcing consequences, do so without anger and without fail. The consequence should apply only to today—each new day is a fresh opportunity for your child to access their internal resources, practice self-control, and make a different choice.
Always reflect your child’s choice with empathy, but remain firm. Consistency and follow-through are essential. Communicate choices in a matter-of-fact tone—not harsh, not emotional—just calm and clear.
And remember the golden rule:
“You can’t give away what you don’t possess.”
Just like on an airplane, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first. You cannot extend patience, calm, or acceptance to your child if you haven’t first offered it to yourself.
When parents and caregivers remain calm and connected during choice giving or limit setting, the child feels more secure—and is more likely to perceive that they have a real choice. This helps prevent power struggles and preserve the parent-child relationship.
Conclusion: Empowering Through Choices
Offering age and developmentally appropriate choices empowers children and adolescents by giving them opportunities to make decisions and solve problems in everyday life. When parents and caregivers consistently use choice-giving strategies, they can reduce power struggles and strengthen the parent-child relationship.
By planning ahead and providing meaningful, limited choices—even in non-negotiable situations—adults can help prevent challenging behaviors, guide children toward responsibility, and reinforce household rules without resorting to conflict.
Above all, caregivers are encouraged to be the thermostat, not the thermometer—responding calmly and intentionally, rather than reacting emotionally. This regulated presence helps children feel secure, respected, and capable of making better choices over time.
Staying Regulated: The Key to Effective Choice Giving
When setting limits or offering choices, your calm presence is the most powerful tool you have. As the saying goes:
“Be a thermostat, not a thermometer!”
Your role is to set the emotional tone, not absorb and mirror your child’s upset feeling and reaction. Learn to respond, not react. Your child’s feelings are not your feelings, and their behavior doesn’t need to determine yours.
Remain calm and relational. For your child to truly perceive that they have a choice—and to avoid power struggles—you must stay grounded. Enforce consequences without anger and without fail, and communicate in a neutral, matter-of-fact voice. The consequence is only for today—each day is a chance for your child to try again, with growing self-awareness and self-control.
And when emotions run high, remember:
“When a child is drowning, don’t try to teach her to swim.”
If your child is overwhelmed, that’s not the moment for a life lesson or a lecture. Focus first on connection and calming. Teaching can come later, once they’ve regained emotional balance.
Finally, give yourself grace. As one wise reminder puts it:
“What’s most important may not be what you do, but what you do after what you have done.”
You will make mistakes—we all do. What matters most is how you recover, reconnect, and model emotional regulation and accountability.
References
- Bratton, S.C. & Landreth, G.L. (2020). Child-parent relationship therapy (CPRT): An evidenced-based 10-session filial therapy model (2nd ed.). Routledge.
- Bratton, S.C. & Landreth, G.L. (2020). Child-parent relationship therapy (CPRT) treatment manual: An evidenced-based 10-session filial therapy model (2nd ed.). Routledge.
Ru-Chi Yang 楊如琪
Ru-Chi Yang is a licensed counseling psychologist in Taiwan (諮心字第006245號) and a licensed psychologist in Indiana, USA. She holds a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology from Gannon University and has worked in mental health since 2005. Dr. Yang specializes in supporting children and adolescents facing behavioral, emotional, developmental, and family-related challenges. Her approach integrates cognitive behavioral therapy with evidence-based play therapies, including child-centered play therapy, sandtray, and parent-child relationship therapy. She is dedicated to empowering young clients and their families with practical skills, emotional insight, and support to foster resilience, growth, and positive change.
